A question I get asked constantly, ok, occasionally, oh alright, rarely, well fuck, I’ll confess, never, but I’ll say it anyway, is “Hey Pervstein, who’s your favorite Jew?” I’ll restrict my answer to Jews amongst the living, which excludes Jerome Horwitz and Richard Feynman. And with those guys out of the running, it’s an easy choice. Here’s some quotes:

“I’m not pro-life, and I’m not pro-choice. I’m pro-football.”

“I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.”

“I don’t apologize to people with an agenda.”

“I am not anti-death penalty, but I’m damn sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.”

“If a young Richard Pryor walked into the room we couldn’t make a star of him today. We’re at that level, and it’s really too bad.”

“I’m 67, though I read at the 69-year-old level.”

“None of us create a fucking thing in this world. The only ones who create anything are the ones who are completely miserable.”

“There’s a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979.”

“Politics is the only field of human endeavor where the more experience you have, the worse you get.”

“The most dangerous thing in the world is to run the risk of waking up one morning and realizing suddenly that all this time you’ve been living without really and truly living and by then it’s too late. When you wake up to that kind of realization, it’s too late for wishes and regrets. It’s even too late to dream.”

How can you not love this guy? To put the kosher cherry on the egg cream, 40 years before the current wave of PC thuggery trying to silence anyone whose speech lies outside of the boundaries of the Righteous, he was set upon by a mob of feminists who were so offended by his idea of humor and wisdom that violently silencing him was their idea of true self-defense. If I am ever elected (((President))), he’s my #1 pick for the Medal of Freedom. A musician, a novelist, a political candidate, he’s done it all.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Greatest Living Jew: