Q: MY dad hit my boyfriend when I introduced them. This guy treats me like a princess. I have never felt so loved but my parents disapprove of the age difference. He is 44, I am 20. We met in my local and became friends. Then we fell in love and arranged a night for my parents to meet him. That’s where it went wrong. We walked into the pub and my dad went mad. He hit my boyfriend, called him a pervert and dragged me outside by the hair. My mum had already walked out. They told me either I end it or they’d disown me. I stayed at my boyfriend’s that night and went back the next day to find my things outside in bin bags. My dad came out and started throwing stones at us.
A: DISOBEDIENT BRUTAL! YOUR FATHER IS CORRECT TO REACT SO. YOUR “BOYFRIEND” NO DOUBT EXPERIENCES PENIC ERECTION WITH YOU. THIS IS WRONG. THE PENIS IS EVIL! THE PENIS SHOOTS SEEDS AND MAKES NEW LIFE TO POISON THE EARTH WITH A PLAGUE OF MEN. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED YOUR PARENTS WILL NO LONGER GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU. DUMP THE BOYFRIEND AND PREPARE TO SERVE THE VORTEX AS A GRAIN SLAVE, ALL THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: WHEN I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and cut my arms. My girlfriend is 24 and I’m 23. She was always hitting on other guys and thought it was funny, especially when I’d confront her and threaten to leave. She’d plead with me to stay with her. I got off work early one Friday last month and caught her in bed with another guy. I shouted at her and chased him downstairs. He must have thought I was going to hit him because he slashed me with a carving knife. I had to go to hospital and needed stitches. She insisted they hadn’t done anything but they were both in their underwear. We’ve since split up but she wants me back. I don’t know whether I still love her.
A: YOU ACTED SOMEWHAT CORRECTLY. BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ZARDOZ’S HIGH STANDARDS. ATTACKING THE CHEATING MALE BRUTAL WAS CORRECT, BUT YOU DID NOT GO FORTH AND KILL. YOU MUST HEED THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR ZED’S WORDS… “I love to see them running. I love the moments of their deaths – when I am one with Zardoz.”
NOW, THE CHEATING MALE BRUTAL AT LEAST FOUGHT WITH A WEAPON. BUT HE DID NOT KILL. THEREFOR, YOU AND THE CHEATING MALE BRUTAL MUST FIGHT TO THE DEATH. THE WINNER WILL BE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE CHOSEN ONES, AS A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR! ALSO, THE FEMALE BRUTAL IS A MISERABLE CREATURE – DO NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION, OR ENGAGE IN PENIC ERECTION ACTIVITIES WITH HER. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: I’VE been having great sex with my housemate. I want a relationship but she keeps going cold on me. I moved into a house with my best mate when we both found jobs in the city near us and we advertised for two others to share. We are both 23 and we had in mind two other men but two girls applied. They could afford it and seemed all right, so they moved in. One of the girls was really hot and I fancied her straight away. She is 22 and single. We all work as baristas. One Friday evening I was alone at home when the girl I fancy came in. She had been out for a drink with workmates but wasn’t drunk. We chatted for a while and there was a real spark. We ended up sitting on the settee together cuddled up. I kissed her and she kissed me back. We then seemed to agree what was going to happen next without even saying anything and went to my room. The sex was fantastic but she was distant with me the next day. She told me that the sex meant nothing and then refused to say any more. We have had sex at least six times since. Sometimes she is distant afterwards and sometimes really sweet. She has said some truly hurtful things to me but also some truly nice things. We had a heart-to-heart one night after a hurtful incident and we both ended up crying. I told her the things she said were so painful because I love her. She said she didn’t feel the same and the sex had to stop. This lasted two weeks but the huge sexual tension brewed up and we had sex again. Then the next day she behaved like I had the plague. Her mate advised me to take a step back, because you do not know what you have got until it is gone. He said that would help her to realise a few things. I still sometimes think I am just being an idiot.
A: SOMETIMES AN IDIOT? ZARDOZ WOULD SAY YOU ARE ALL THE TIME A FOOL! YOU CANNOT RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE MERELY A BRUTAL WITH BENEFITS? OF COURSE THE FEMALE BRUTAL DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU – SHE USES YOUR PENIC ERECTION AND CAN GO MEDITATE WITH OTHERS. YOUR CRYING SHOWS YOU ARE UNFIT FOR SERVICE AS A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR, AND YOUR “JOB” AS A BARISTA SHOWS YOU ARE MOST LIKELY UNFIT FOR GRAIN SLAVERY. STAND BY, BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED.
OH, AND 4 BARISTAS – TWO MALE BRUTALS, AND TWO FEMALE BRUTALS, IN A HOUSE. WHAT IS THIS, A BRITISH BRUTAL REMAKE OF FRIENDS? YOU SHALL ALL BE CLEANSED. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.