Half-dressed, thirsty, asleep, the hair had Donald staggering down a narrow hallway with a machine pistol in his right hand and the shredded remains of a MAKE BASQUE LEGIBLE AGAIN hat in the other.
“Where are we going?” the hat asked. He was jammed down on the hair haphazardly and wanted heroin very badly.
“We are going the safe room on this floor,” the hair said.
“We could hole up in the wig vault,” the hat said.
“Donald would never fit in there,” the hair replied.
“And?”
“We have to keep Donald safe.”
“Oh, yeah.”
The hair had Donald stop and peek around the next corner before proceeding. Three terrorists were in the hallway, smoking cigarettes and looking at their phones.
After pulling Donald back, the hair whispered, “Shit, they’re right in front of the safe room.”
“Let’s just kill them,” the hat said.
“There’s three of them.”
“They’re just Eurofags. We can take them.”
“How did they even get in here? The White House has huge security. The best. Like, top-notch.”
“That doesn’t matter now,” the hair told him. He turned Donald around and walked him back the way we came.
“No, not that way, they’ve sent someone to check on him by now,” the hat said urgently.
“Where then?”
“What about the Kennedy Fuck Tunnels? We could get out that way.”
“Your solution to everything is always the Kennedy Fuck Tunnels,” the hair said wearily.
“They lead to, like, ten different side-piece apartments around the city.”
“They’ve blocked all those off. It was the only way to keep Bill from sneaking back in and pissing on all the toilet paper,” the hair said.
They only noticed that they had circled back while bickering when Donald tripped over the gunman they had killed and it sent all three of them sprawling. Donald let out a protracted groan and muttered some thick syllables from a dream, “No, Nancy, not there. Not there.”
“Goddammit,” the hat said. “Learn to fucking drive!”
“Shut up and let me concentrate,” the hair shot back as he struggled to make Donald stand.
“No, wait,” the hat said, “There, on the floor.”
“What?” the hair asked.
“The gunman’s phone,” the hat said entranced.
The hair had it picked up and then braced Donald against a wall to finish standing.
“We’ve gotta get out of here,” the hair said, out of breath in his non-existent lungs.
“Give me the phone,” the hat demanded.
“OK, fine, jeez,” the hair replied, tucking the cellphone under the hat.
“To the roof!” the hat crowed. “To the roof!”
The hair could feel him begin to type on the phone and he drove a sleeping Donald toward the White House roof access port.
“What are you doing up there?!?” the hair asked.
“Just get us to the roof,” the hat replied.
“Can you stop fucking around on that phone? It’s hard enough to climb a ladder as is.”
“Mush! Mush!” the hat cried gleefully. “We have to the get to the roof to save the hostages!”
“They are all still in the ballroom, probably,” the hair said. “What makes you think they are on the roof?”
“Because when they blow the roof, all the hostages will die and if will be the perfect thing to hide their heist!”
“Oh, fuck,” the hair moaned. “Do you think we are in Die Hard or something?” He hooked Donald’s arm into a rung so he could rest.
“HAAAANNNS!” the hat screamed down at him. “HAAAAAANS!”
“Are we just getting up on the roof so you can jump off?” the hair asked.
“HAAAAANNS!”
The hair sighed and started to climb once more.
The tweets are pure genius.
Seconded.
Diddle.
I mean ditto
Dilly dilly!
Careful there.
Dildo dildo!
Almost made me reactivate my twitter
When does Senator Sorority Girl make her appearance? The Hat and Hair can trade her to the terrorists for their freedom.
I’m thinking she became a jihadi bride and is already with them.
Oh man, those tweets……truly, the covfefe is strong with you!
Also, I’m going to start working “Kennedy Fuck Tunnels” into daily conversation.
Band name.
Other locations not on the tour: Truman Cocaine Lounge, McKinley Hooker Dump (officially named McKinley Storage & Waste Warehouse), and Lincoln Slave Colosseum – he didn’t free them all.
Ok, time to go to sleep. Stayed up just for H&H.
Off to dream of… something…
This is not healthy behavior.
That’s how we know he belongs here.
One of us! One of us!
“No, Nancy, not there. Not there.”
Electric sheep?
Actually shot tea out my nose, reading that.
Those tweets are a MASTERPIECE.
“Low energy terrorists can’t do anything right.”
Dying here.
That one was the best of the bunch!
*stops banging cup on cell bars*
ATTICA! ATTI…. never mind.
/settles down to read
Ok, time to go to sleep. Stayed up just for H&H.
No touching yourself.
He even included the likes and retweets. Those extra details make the tweets even better.
OT: Reposting since the other thread is pretty much dead
A quick primer on the ACA and how the premium subsidies work.
With a household income below 400% of the federal poverty level, out of pocket cost for health insurance premiums is held to a maximum percentage level of income (a sliding scale of 2 to 9.6%).
Above 400%, the subsidies that hold down the premium costs disappear entirely.
The maximum out of pocket premium cost for health insurance premiums is the same regardless of the coverage under the plan as long as the plan is either bronze or silver.
I’ll give an example using actual numbers from Virginia markets.
400% of federal poverty level for a family of 5 = $115,120
Assuming a household income of $110,000, the maximum out of pocket premium cost for a plan is $10,560 or $880 / month.
Bronze level plan – Roughly $2500 / month – $14,500 deductible, eligible for subsidies of $1600 / month
Silver level plan – Roughly $3200 / month – $11,500 deductible, eligible for subsidies of $2300 / month – We’ll take that one.
So let’s say you are a small business owner who pays themselves $90K / year. The tax incentive to keep the pass-thru profit to $25,120 or less now becomes $27,600, because if you pop the cap of $115,120 you have to pay all of the subsidies back at tax time. (IRA contributions can offset the income).
Perverse tax incentives, courtesy of Obama.
Fuck every single assclown who voted for that. And fuck the elephants for not nuking it.
And courtesy of GOP cowards who didn’t take the chance to get rid of it while they could. Now we’re stuck with it forever (that is, of course, until they “fix” it by progging harder).
And Rand Paul
*narrows gaze*
Somanabitch
https://twitter.com/obianuju/status/941356706185039878
Related. This is what happens when the government regulates healthcare- it becomes easier to justify eugenics.
“It’s quite simple, your life is not worth what you’re costing us. Please report to the ZARDOZ-approved cleansing station.”
Jesus fucking Christ. What is wrong with people, that they would do that? Leaving aside the calculation and what “policy” they might make with it, look at the expression on that poor guy’s face. This is just so casually cruel, I think those two assholes having a nice meeting in the parking lot with me and my tire iron wouldn’t be out of order.
Well, if every Downs person is like the ones I know, they’re cheap at twice that price.
What an asshole thing to do.
Good God Obi, you cant be that naive.
Public health care. Stethoscope goes in the trash can and the calculators come out. How many times before people learn this? Its like they wake up in a new world every day.
Volksgenosse das ist auch Dein Geld.
“History repeats itself- first as tragedy and then as farce”
– Karl Marx (the only time that I quote the man)
T-4 approved!
In much of prog world, a ~$100K annual income is the decreed upper limit for what is considered morally acceptable. It’s possible that the fucked up incentive is entirely by design.
Here is a fun one, I think I explained this on the old site:
For beer, the federal tax is $18 per barrel for large brewers.
However, it is $7 per barrel for the first 60,000 barrels as long as you produce less than 2,000,000 bbls (all volume numbers per year).
So, The first 60k barrels are $7 each, then it goes up to $18 each, but the tax on barrel # 2,000,000 is $660,018. Then it goes down to $18 again.
It is $18 + $11 * 60000, as you lose the special tax rate.
Both Yuengling and Sam Adams went thru this point about 2010 or so. You can see it in their annual production numbers, which leveled off just short of 2MM for a few years, then shot way above it. I think it was the reason for the Yuengling expansion into Ohio, as they needed a big new market to justify going past 2MM. Selling 2.001 MM barrels would be destructive.
Most of the articles I read on the tax bill in front of congress is lowering the alcohol taxes as well. Make America Drunk Again!
*looks around*
Again?
I think the idea is we’re not a representative sample of America… but we ought to be.
robc,
Is that for a brewer’s beer in general or is it by “brand”? Meaning 1.9MM of Boston Lager and 1.9MM of Sam Adams Light means 3.8MM taxed at $7 each, or 2MM taxed at $7 and 1.8MM taxed at $18?
I’m not robc, but I believe it’s by brewery license. Otherwise you’d have a lot of breweries creating regional “brand”s for their mainstream beers. So instead of Sam Adams Boston Lager, you’d have Boston Lager, Columbus Lager, Chicago Lager, etc.
THIS. It is per licensee not brand. Not sure how ownership deals effect things. Does Inbev owning 30% of brewery X mean they have to pay full amount?
It would be less dumb if it was a marginal tax, but it would still be pretty dumb.
Why penalize people for being really good at what they do?
Well, it was created in reverse to help small brewers. The tax was flat at one point, but a discount was put in for the small brewers and no one was even remotely near the 2MM threshold at that time, either way above or way below. So that was created to not give Bud/Miller/etc a tax cut.
But, yes, if it was purely marginal it would be way less dumb.
The hat and the hair are gonna throw Merkle off the roof. It’s gonna be great.
The best, classiest death ever. You’re gonna love it, it’s really the most impressive death you’ll ever see.
Its the throw that will be impressive, the best. The death will probably be low energy.
I’m rooting for Hobo Steve to murder at least one.
Hobo Steve will likely play the part of Carl, the cop outside the building.
I’m worried about Hope.
What about Change?
Then Hope becomes Howard.
*opera applause*
Perverse tax incentives, courtesy of Obama.
Nobody could have foretold this!
Still laughing at the gyno-Stalinism article posted in the Morning Lynx. This sentence is SugarFree worthy:
“But deep down we can’t argue with the fact that a first-rate pussy is still better than a third-rate pussy. Marxism can’t change that. No ideology can. Trump simply stated the obvious.”
I liked the close:
As for Donald Trump, he’ll remain in office and will continue to disentangle the system from our socialist improvements, proving that America works better without them. So we may as well give up politics and enjoy whatever is left of our sad lives before we get devoured by the giant man-eating pussy of our own creation.
OT: Hey Admins! I posted up an article on cryptocurrencies a few days back. Just want to make sure yall saw it.
I also have a pending post – an open thread of podcasts
Dear [insert name of submitting author]
We have received your submission. Thank you!
The editorial staff has begun extra flogging of our orphan assistant editors. Your submission should see publication soon.
Sincerely.
[Insert staff name]
So warm and personal!
You said ‘insert staff’…
/beavis and butthead laugh
The death will probably be low energy.
A muffled sploosh. There’s a lot of energy dampening material there.
I posted up an article on cryptocurrencies a few days back. Just want to make sure yall saw it.
They just needed some time to frontrun the response.
OT: Bomb threat at FCC
This is what happens when everyone is lidderally Hitler.
Except the self-appointed Von Stauffenbergs, of course.
I follow a guy who’s very worried about bombs coming back to the US as a popular protest tactic. By the 90s you had a few incidents of pipebombs as variants on school shooting meme and many many more bomb threats used to shut down schools. But in the 70s no shit bombings were more of a thing.
You shouldn’t say “bomb” so many times on one post…
Everybody wave at the NSA!
I am afraid the correct response is: bomb, ba bomb, ba ba bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, ba bomb, bomb, bomb, ba bomb.
Blue Moon?
No just random bombings.
And here I thought I’d found another fan of The Marcels
“People have completely forgotten that in 1972 we had over nineteen hundred domestic bombings in the United States.” — Max Noel, FBI (ret.)
Communists sure do love their bombs. Could we start seeing lefty suicide bombers? Are they that committed to the cause?
Have you read their blogs? Every one of them is on some kind of anti-psychotic medication. No kidding. Jezebel was the last one I looked at. All of their authors, and maybe Everyday feminism too, all admitted to having some kind of personality disorder or organic mental illness.
Maybe they caught it from the website?
I’ve been saying this for years! The left is literally nuts our news is crazy because it is written by crazy people. One of these days I’ll have to start aggregating job and mental health data presuming it can be collected.
HIPAA prevents that except with regard to constitutionally guaranteed rights because FYTW.
As long as it is anonymous researchers can access it for statistical purposes. I think statistical correlations with job field is probably approved.
In that case, go for it. I’m no psychiatrist, but just reading their rants and seeing the cognitive dissonance is enough to convince me they’re all crazy.
I’m too lazy to do it, but maybe when I’m made out of time and money. Would be interesting to have a well documented report on the mental health of journalists.
The IRA nearly killed me on two occasions back in the 80’s, and those guys were orders of magnitude more effective than anything seen in America (at least recently).
It’s hard to understand because the technology is not difficult, and America’s mainland is a ridiculously soft target other than where Top Men congregate, and even then, with some imagination, some attempts will get thru.
We should be grateful that the people who perpetrate these kinds of crimes are typically ignorant and/or incompetent, although there have been notable exceptions.
Semi on-topic (Northern Ireland): If you haven’t already, start watching “The Fall” on Netflix. Great show and Gillian Anderson is still a mega would.
As you note, the kind of person who would do that is ignorant, incompetent and add crazy to the list.
Sane, competent people have lives and much to lose. They dont typically throw in with crazy, violent ideologies and they dont want the world hunting them down. They just want to get their kids to school on time, keep their job and pay their mortgage.
This is why destroying the civil society is such evil. The left wants to take away all of those incentives.
Gotta read The True Believer. Just gotta.
You, or me? I have but that was over 30 years ago. Somewhere around here I have a faded, dog-eared copy.
If you haven’t, then yes, you should.
I just finished it. It’s exactly what you’re talking about; only people who have nothing in their lives are willing to utterly reject the present for some amorphous future. People who fall in with mass movements are almost universally miserable and consider their own lives to be worthless failures.
A good companion to The True Believer is Propaganda: The Formation of Men’s Attitudes
Fuck Peter King.
Joseph Conrad called wondering why America stole one of his screenplays ….
But it’s the right that is prone to violence.
Expect a lot more of this shit.
Net Neutrality Nitwits
Even money the perpetrator was a reddit user.
i don’t know how anyone can make a bomb threat in the modern day without it instantly being clear who/where exactly it is.
everything passes on digital networks; everything can be instantly sourced to devices/locations. there is always a trail. unless the people making these stupid threats are technologically highly-astute (*i feel like they’re probably not given their choice of prank-hobby), you’d think they’d be outed at least every now and then; out of the many examples we’ve seen in the past, they seem to be able to make these threats, then vanish into the mists with nary a consequence.
Life’s Weird Coincidences, ch 7,306:
I had somehow never even heard of the Horrorpops until somebody here linked to one of their songs a few days ago. This morning, google play music spat up a “suggested channel” (or whatever they call them) featuring… the Horrorpops. I’m listening now. Most excellent. None of that mopey low energy crap to be found.
If you were logged into your google/youtube account at the time to listen to the linked song is it really a coincidence?
If you like them, check out the Nekromantix. They’re more then an associated act, as they share a lead guitarist (who’s married to the front woman for the Horrorpops).
A long-running serial for the holidays? With Die Hard and Fake Tweets?!
Best. Website. Ever.
The Establishment continues to get eviscerated.
https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/12/14/paul-ryan-retire-speaker-ready-leave-washington-216103
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Paul.
You beat me to it.
You don’t suppose he’s just getting ahead of a “dead woman or live boy” scandal, do you?
I dunno what he’d be trying to get out in front of. He and his wife are just necrophiliac, Satan-worshipping swingers. Pretty standard fare for DC.
That was a joke net-overlords…
“Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons….quite typical, really”
+1 shorn scrotum
Amash for Speaker?
Is the dead woman a wheelchair bound, 80 year old grandmother?
Probably.
I’d get out of that shit if I was there. Unable to really do anything, having to eat Trump’s shit all the time AND being excoriated for being a Trump puppet at the same time? Fuck that. He’s probably on a LET DC BURN jag like the rest of the non-Trump GOP should be.
The lobbying money is so sweet though…
Make money, fuck bitches. It’s the American Dream… until he gets #metoo’d.
Make money, fly to Thailand to fuck bitches, new American Dream.
That explains the standard marine response to “how’s it going?” with “LIVING THE DREAM”
It was only a couple of years ago that the GOP almost literally begged him to replace Buehner.
If you were logged into your google/youtube account at the time to listen to the linked song is it really a coincidence?
I wasn’t, though. I have an old phone which is now pretty much exclusively used for streaming music via wifi. Different account.
It was a suggestion based on other music I listen to. Whatever. Just funny.
So why didn’t the guy who had no ambitions of getting re-elected not go full on and get rid of Obamacare?
Gotta play ball, Hero.
He’s not leaving the swamp. He’s just going through the revolving door to a lucrative swamp position of some kind. So, no reason to piss off the other swamp creatures by doing stuff like, you know, keeping campaign promises.
Yup. Can’t make those sweet lobbying bucks if you made everyone hate you before you left.
Awesome. Christmas gifts for glibertarians.
Just give it a week and the price will be down to 50 cents.
And there will be no roads!
Those tweets–most excellent!
morons
Is that Reese’s mug comically huge or is Pai’s head comically small?
Indonesians, feel free to cheat on your wife with a dude!
https://www.wsj.com/articles/indonesian-court-narrowly-blocks-bid-to-outlaw-adultery-gay-sex-1513247540
Oh, if only I were Indonesian……
Finally some good news
OT: For fuck sake, give Lil Marco what he wants
Quick! Go make more children!
They ought to fuck him and take it right out of some senior citizen giveaway. Fuck you, Marco. Vote against your own ask.
“I intend to hold the growth of our economy hostage to my baby-making priority.”
Christ, what
a
fucking
asshole.
It was nice being able to interact with you fine people on this sight. Net neutrality just got voted away. My Internet is now down and I will no longer be able to participate.
That’s not the half of it – wait until your appliances start spontaneously combusting.
Forget about using the internet, millions are going to die because of this!
We’ll need these to clear the streets of corpses!
IDF armored D9 or go home
Muh tittays!
NO! Anything but the tits!
Am I the only one who doesn’t really care one way or the other? On the one hand, I’d hate to see my bill go up for certain things, but on the other hand, I hate to see the FCC involved in the Internet at all. If I had to pick I’d say the latter is more important to me. But I just don’t see this being the end of the Internet. If anything, now you will have providers competing by providing different pricing schemes.
I just look at the people on each side and reason accordingly. I don’t really know what impact, if any, this will have on me.
My feeling is that the internet has operated beautifully and been an amazing creator of wealth since it came on the scene with essentially zero government oversight/control. The second you start giving them authority, it’s like a creeping rot and eventually we’d end up with ISPs essentially being nationalized.
I hit net neutrailty supporters with my copy of The Law and Regulation of Telecommunication Carriers, all 735 pages of it.
The easements and special favors handed out to specific companies as part of getting the wires laid are kind of controlling. And by complete coincidence those favored companies are some of the most hated. So of course the solution is to get government more involved.
I would agree with that. The only caveat is that there are usually only 1-2 options available for home Internet in any given area. But using the past as an indication, more regulation won’t help that.
The only caveat is that there are usually only 1-2 options available for home Internet in any given area
Fixing a government created problem with more government. Just say no.
^^^This.
But I drink myself sober every night… it’s the same basic principle.
I tend to do that, too. If I don’t know much about the subject, but I see a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth, I usually stay away from that side. If prices start getting out of control, I think there will be a huge outcry and there might be a law passed. But for now, I’m just waiting to see.
I can’t see why prices would start to rise absent government control, especially since prices have fallen and speed has gone up with a free market solution.
Me neither, so I’m just assuming I won’t see any difference.
For the most hysterical take on the repeal of net neutrality I’ve heard recently, we go to the preeminent source for prog hysterics, NPR
How the fuck will getting rid of this regulation prevent kids from using a remote control microscope? Christ, what a bunch of assholes.
We will now be forced to revert to the internet dark ages of 2014.
Well, shit! How am I gonna spank it now? My memory’s failing me and my imagination’s absolute shit!
“The few left living will envy the dead“
IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING!
Do you need the California score, too?
In case anyone was looking for beer for the holidays. Unfortunately, none of my hometown favorites made it in the final 30.
“Knee Deep Stifler’s Mom”
OK, now I have to find this beer.
There’s a down side to “clever” beer names.
Must. Signal. Harder.
Nice job, fuckheads. You just halved your sales.
At least 5Rabbits’ rename protest had some humor in it.
Meh. Crybabies.
I still don’t understand why businesses let politics infect their livelihoods. One of the reason I am on zero social media under my real name is that I have no interest in my customers knowing anything about me, other than the fact I make great products and take great care of them. I realized that even Twitter was bad for me because they could see the media I follow, my local range, etc.
Tabula rasa, baby!
“Republicans buy sneakers too.”
-MJ
In this case, they had a deal with a Trump branded building, and wanted to get out. They still had kegs of the beer that they couldn’t sell under the licensed name, so came up with a new (albeit insulting) name, and were able to sell their beer.
The most recent example of me changing who I buy from due to something like this was Penzey’s spices. They have a couple of local stores, and a great selection. The founder went full bore TDS after the election and started blasting it out in the company newsletters. An example:
So now I buy my spices online from the Spice House. Do you know what I know about the owner’s politics? Not a damn thing.
Sending something like that to customers is so mind boggling stupid that even if I agreed with the sentiment, I still probably would have dropped them.
Penzey’s actually had an uptick in sales after they went deranged. The catch will be that it will be temporary. The people who left them will never come back, but their new customers aren’t going to be long-term loyal.
If I remember correctly Penzy’s lost the mind years prior to the rise of Trump and Spice House is owned by a member of the same family that disagreed with the virtue signaling.
Spices are the same.
I know it’s the same family that owns both, which adds to the easy change. There are some different blends available from the two different companies though. And on that note, I prefer the Spice House ones anyways (Vulcan Fire Salt is awesome).
There was some minor signaling (support our teachers, buy love packs for gay marriage, etc.) but it was easy to just ignore. Calling people who voted for Trump racist, homophobic, bigots, and doubling down when people called them out over it on the other hand…
I have had a few of their beers. At the best I was whelmed.
Guess what I won’t be reviewing…
Mickey’s?
Like, no duh, cuz we already know it’s the best!
I’m not doing that again.
It was hilarious, though.
“I give it 5 angry wives.”
OK fine. I never much liked their swill anyway, now I’ll definitely never buy it.
Ah, just like the last conversation I had with one of my brothers on the topic of impeachment. So many words, yet not a one detailing the reason why.
Bookmarked for later…no guns and booze at work…
But tits are ok…
Good to know they have their priorities straight.
https://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/sexy-girls-flbp-1.jpg?w=499&h=572
the chive is not allowed, however archive is okay.
Ah. Well here you go then.
https://archive.is/crHJs
Excellent
Brasserie Dupont Avec Les Bons Voeux
#4 is the winner
That is one damn fine beer. I’d also back up the Delirium Noels and the St. Bernardus Christmas Ale as amazing beers.
The mass shooting that never happened.
http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/14/us/las-vegas-shooting-2-months-questions/index.html
TW: CNN
Either this guy was a total mystery that nobody can figure out, or there was something shady with the government they don’t want us to know about. It would be nice if we had some skilled, hard-hitting journalists who could dig deep into this. Unfortunately they’re all busy looking for the Russian collusion that wasn’t.
Ironic that it’s a news organization posting this story. I’m like “isn’t it your job to go find these things out? When you were a bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked little student at Columbia Journalism School, didn’t you dream of doing investigative work like this?” Then I think “Oh wait no, you’re just a mouthpiece for whichever Elite whose dick you happen to be sucking at any given moment.”
I was just wondering if anything new had broken on this or if total silence and a bunch of conspiracy theorist’s wet dream shit was still the order of the day. Welp.
Maybe Greenwald will take a swing at it.
I don’t understand.
What’s not to understand? Ajit Pai is shilling for Big Mug.
He needed an extra big mug for all the Dem tears this morning.
Who used to pick the peanuts before the Civil War?
That’s right.
Dig up, but yeah.
The British lead such impoverished lives, the very idea that a human could consume that much tea or coffee is a terrifying thought.
You need all your fingers, AND the pinky, to keep such a heroic mug stable, so they be afeared and outraged by its very existence.
We need common sense mug control. For the children.
Maybe the man just loves the taste of Reese’s?
My gut tells me they are moderating the comments.