Because there are times when you are stuck in a place that has nothing better.  Maybe you are at a baseball game and don’t want to look like a douche.  Maybe you are in Vegas and they give you a free beer while you play the craps machine. You are principled and thus your favorite beer is called, “free” and your second favorite is called, “cold”….

….okay maybe beer is beer and maybe we should just leave it at that.  Why fuss about it?  

This is my review of the only beer on the planet with the balls to have George Clooney narrate a commercial:  Budweiser.

Just to get this out of the way, these have a mean score around 2/5 on my usual 5 (or 20-DenverJ)  point scale. So these need to be scored differently but judged in as objective a manner possible.  All of these:

  • Quaffed in high quantity; available in 24oz cans and sold as part of a 2 for 1 special.  Yes, I drank 48 oz of beer in one sitting for each specimen.
  • Have no pretense of cultural significance.  All are available at a gas station, specifically the CircleK in my neighborhood (PV/Shadow Mountain area of Phoenix).
  • Consumed from the same glass that is not particularly fancy. Don’t worry I cleaned it.
  • Nothing to fuss about, given their very minor qualities.  So these were all the only beer I had that day, following a trip to gym. I was in no position to be picky.

They will be graded by:

  • Price.
  • Skunkiness. (5 point scale)
  • Ability to get me drunk. (5 point scale)
  • Marketing campaign. (5 point scale)

Points will be added to the price for a total numerical score.  Lower or higher the better?  I don’t know, I will make this your call. I fully expect to be excoriated in the comments for my methodology.

Hat Tip:

Budweiser therefore, stacks up like this:

Price: 2 for $3.50

Skunkiness:  It is as terrible as it ever was. 4/5

Ability to get me drunk: 2/5

Marketing: GoodBad. Ugly. Like Clooney is ever going to knock back a sixer of Bud like the proles.  I’ll be fair, they are trying to make beer in space3/5.

Total: 12.5

Next up is Straulian fah beeeyah.

Fosters:

Price:  2 for $3.50.

Skunkiness: This is…charming. 4/5

Ability to get me drunk: 2/5

Marketing: I always thought these were funny.  Here’s a string of them.  4/5

Total: 13.5

Do they even sell these in six packs anymore or do they just go with the oil can? Next up, is something that meets all my criteria but unlikely to be found anywhere near you:

San Tan Moon Juice Galactic IPA:

Price:  2 for $4.00.

Skunkiness: 2/5 (technically an IPA–score is debateable)

Ability to get me drunk:  My wife was ever so pissed. 5/5 (7.3% abv)

Marketing: 0

Total: 11

This might be unfair since it’s an IPA but it met all the criteria. Next up:

Gilmore

Coors Light:

Price:  2 for $3.50.

Skunkiness:  3/5

Ability to get me drunk:  Meh.  My daughter can handle this. 1/5

Marketing:  John Wayne?  Okay, but Clint Eastwood was better.  *shudders* John Denver You lost all the goodwill from CGI Duke and The Gunny, Coors.  This is what makes people light their own country music awards on fire.  You should get less than nothing for this, but my stated methodology said nothing about negative scores.  Then there is Smokey and the Bandit, but that classic of Americana loses points for Sally Field.  1/5

Total: 8.5

This next one was actually pretty good.  New Belgium supposedly sought to steal market share from InBev and MolsonCoors brands by making a yellow lawn mower beer to counter the corporate giants buying craft breweries and distributing them across the country.  The result is like that scene from Casino where Joe Pesci’s character gets mad about the FBI watching him, so he literally has his guys watch them back.  It’s a pretty good golden ale. Nothing to write home about and definitely non-threatening.

Who doesn’t want to get blazed in the middle of the day?

New Belgium Dayblazer:

Price:  2 for $4.00.

Skunkiness:1/5

Ability to get me drunk: 3/5

Marketing: 0

Total:  8

Next is one that I haven’t touched since college.

Rolling Rock 33:

Price: 2 for $4.00

Skunkiness: I thought this was going to suck.  I am not totally wrong, but I will not admit it. 2/5

Ability to get me drunk: 2/5

Marketing:  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.  Oh my god. LMAO.  The ball.  Hits the groin. 3/5

Total: 11

Now, I happen to like Amstel, ever if they cannot spell beer correctly, so I’ll give them a shot.

Amstel Xlight:

Price: 2 for $4.00

Skunkiness: I am not sure they know this market.1/5

Ability to get me drunk: 2/5

Marketing:  Cute. 2/5

Total:  9

Sorry, I need to stop here.  There are several others that span a spectrum between Corona and Colt 45, but quite frankly…I do not like you guys enough to continue drinking like I am homeless.  Have a good weekend.